My wife and I have six children. Four of them are still living.
We lost Joy very early in the pregnancy. By that time we were living in Sauk Centre and had two children. Following our culture’s customs, we sealed what was left of Joy and the placenta for testing. But we buried her, briefly and very informally, in hallowed ground.
Time passed. Two more children joined the two who had been born before Joy.
Our sixth pregnancy gave no indication of trouble. My wife and I, and our four surviving children, were looking forward to seeing the youngest in our family. Contractions, when they started, weren’t at the 50th percentile; but my memory tells me they were inside the ‘normal’ range.
Unexpected Loss
On the way to the hospital, just before we reached the Interstate exit, something happened.
My wife tells me that our baby thrashed around and then was very still. Folks at the hospital detected no heartbeat.
Whatever had gone wrong was more than a rural hospital could handle.
So I followed the ambulance carrying my wife to another hospital, an hour down the road.
Later, not long after midnight, my wife and I saw Elizabeth: beautifully formed, and quite dead.
Arriving home, our son asked “whenever will the baby come?” Sharing what had happened was not at all comfortable, but we managed. Somehow.
That was during February of 2002. More time passed. Much more time.
Saying Good-Bye
While our oldest daughter and I were chatting last week, the topics wandered into how writers use dreams in stories.
That, in turn, reminded her of a dream she’d had:
“I had a dream of playing with a little girl on a sidewalk. After a while, I mentioned wishing I could’ve said good-bye to my sister, Elizabeth. The little girl I was playing with said, ‘You just did’ and disappeared.”
(From a Discord chat with my oldest daughter (May 14, 2026))
Was it a dream? Well, yes: obviously.
Was it ‘just a dream’? I don’t know.
Is the idea that our youngest child gave our oldest a reassuring message ridiculous? I don’t think so.
Clarifying that, the whole seance thing — mediums, spirit photographs, speed-dialing The Great Beyond — is a bad idea and we shouldn’t do it. (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2115)
Getting back to that dream, I share my wife’s assessment: “that’s beautiful”.
Finally, our four surviving children were baptized. Joy and Elizabeth weren’t.
I’m not happy about that. But hope is an option. A reasonable one.
Not Getting What We Want, Hoping Anyway
Baptism is very, very important. It’s necessary for salvation. (Catechism, 1257-1261)
But sometimes things don’t go the way we want. Over the last two millennia, a fair number of folks have died without being baptized.
We figure that some experience a baptism of blood. They knew who Jesus is, and decided that being killed was preferable to denying reality. (Catechism, 1258)
Others said they wanted to be baptized, but died before they could receive that sacrament. We figure these folks experience a baptism of desire. (Catechism, 1259)
That’s a very simplified look at the sacrament of Baptism and dealing with a less-than-ideal world.
As for Joy and Elizabeth, I can’t ask them what they wanted. I do know that my wife and I wanted life — including baptism — for both of them.
Our only reasonable option is to remember that hope is a good idea.
“…What has been revealed to us is that the ordinary way of salvation is by the sacrament of Baptism. None of the above considerations should be taken as qualifying the necessity of Baptism or justifying delay in administering the sacrament. Rather, as we want to reaffirm in conclusion, they provide strong grounds for hope that God will save infants when we have not been able to do for them what we would have wished to do, namely, to baptize them into the faith and life of the Church.”
(“The hope of salvation for infants who die without being baptized” , International Theological Commission (2007))
I’ve talked about some of this before:
- “Our First Childbirth: Memories and a Few Thoughts” (August 30, 2025)
- “In Praise of Lilacs, Blue Sky and Rain” (May 29, 2021)
- “Spirit Photographs” (April 11, 2018)
- “Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Hope” (October 9, 2016)
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Closest in my family I’ve known something like this happening is my late eldest paternal cousin, who was born with some sort of congenital defect that had his skull incompletely formed, even exposing a part of his brain, I think. I remember kid me, with my parents’ help, getting curious and shocked about photos of him with his parents, and looking back at all that now, I’m awed by the strength that my uncle and aunt had to even let their firstborn be photographed with them outside the hospital. Certainly, his family loves him, and I remember my heart getting warmed by hearing my eldest living paternal cousin call him his older brother even now. As for Baptism, I think that late cousin got to live long enough to be Baptized? Anyway, such experiences are stuff we would usually consider good reason to doubt God Almighty, but still, if He made His own suffering and death as worthwhile as He managed to make it, then why can’t He help us live worthwhile lives despite and through the worst of the worst circumstances? That, and I believe that He works on and through even those who spend their whole lives never really knowing Him, though I also believe that He would be happy to find those people genuinely welcoming Him one way or another. I’m freaking glad that you and your family kept up your faith despite and through the deaths of two children of yours, then, Mister Gill.
I am sorry that your late eldest paternal cousin and the family had a situation like that to deal with. And your eldest living paternal cousin’s attitude is heartwarming.
Considering speed bumps like that as reason to doubt God Almighty? I’ve read about that happening.
But for me: well, I’ve had opportunities to think about the ‘it’s not fair’ argument. It helps, I am sure, that neither of my parents expressed the idea – and helped me understand that life happens. Sometimes what happens isn’t pleasant — but — I’ll stop now.
Me and this household? My wife and I understand our faith. It doesn’t include gilt-edged guarantees of good times and no problems here in this world. It does offer hope, and assurances that God is large and in charge: even when we don’t get everything we want. Our kids seem to have noticed, and learned the same thing.
It helps that they are, my opinion, good folks. We’re very greatly blessed.